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ferbiegirlie
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Name: Jennifer
Country: United States
State: Louisiana
Metro: Baton Rouge
Interests: Learning more about how my life fits into God's bigger plan; re-discovering who I am in Him; artistic expression; good conversation & a good cup of coffee; traveling as much as possible; laughing!; reading good books; visiting historical places & landmarks; getting to know people really well; doing my part to minister to those in my life
Industry: Non-profit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Yahoo:  sillygurllove
Member Since:
11/27/2005
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| I realized today that I am a prodigal. A prodigal that has finally come home. I've come home many times in my Christian walk, but nothing like today.
The Lord is showing me that for most of my life, I have been in hiding. Because of rejection and trauma, I have hid behind a false self that wants to please, be accepted, and bring "peace" by being perfect, submissive, and by stifling my thoughts and opinions. I have been running from myself and from who I am in Christ for years. I've been running from the pain, rejection, trauma and I went out and lived "loosely" with my various idols, addictions, etc. to try and cover up the wounds and push them away. I've put on all KINDS of band-aids to mask the storm raging on the inside.
I kept coming back to the Lord, but because I still was in deception and didn't realize what was going on and why, I continued to live under the lies of my false self. Perfection was my standard and anything less than that was hard to swallow. Acceptance became my god and I did whatever it took to be someone that people love and admire. I became a slave to the tapes in my head and the lies that prompted me into all kinds of addictive behaviors, one of which nearly killed me.
But Praise God because I have come out from hiding. I have decided to acknowledge the imposter I have been and to bring myself (imposter included) to the Cross. I know I still have much to go through, process, and learn, but today I choose to come home. Today I choose to show my broken self to the Lord, as I really am, and know that He accepts me and has brought me his finest robe, sandals, and is having a celebration for me right now in heaven!!
Song of Solomon 2:14
My dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the hiding places on the mountainside,
show me your face,
let me hear your voice;
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
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| Wow, it's been a while since I've even viewed my xanga site. Craziness. I was reading through the last few posts, and I'm so amazed at what God has done in my life in the past year!
He has poured so much grace and light into my life since those times .. I'm amazed! Just reading the "Standing my ground" post, I'm able to see how much of the battle I was putting on myself and the so called "good" vows I was making to stand up to the enemy. It's funny how the Lord can show you REAL fast how you can do nothing without Him and His grace. When He says, "My grace is sufficient," He means it. Gosh, he has just brought me out from SO much and delivered me from SO much, especially in the last 3-4 months.
I just have to testify to His power to save and deliver. Reading over the Holiness entry, I had to laugh at myself lol for failing to see for sooo many months what the key issue was with me. My posts have a tone of wanting so badly to be accepted by and pleasing to the Lord. Unfortunately, that need for acceptance has carried over to so many other areas in my life, leading to bondage. And there I was, crying out to the Lord for what I already have in Him!
For MONTHS now, I've known this is the key to setting me free - this one truth of being accepted by the Lord is so huge. And he broke through last Sunday night and my heart was pierced by the fact that I am 100% pleasing and acceptable to the Father ONLY because of my FAITH in Jesus. That's it. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to be more pleasing to Him. He sees my faith and that the blood of Jesus covers me, and He's pleased.
"But now a righteousness from God . .. has been made known .. this righteousness from God comes THROUGH FAITH in JESUS CHRIST to all who BELIEVE. ... all are justified freely by his GRACE THROUGH the redemption that came by CHRIST JESUS.
Where then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? NO, but on that of FAITH." Romans 2:21-27
lol, really? There's nothing I can do?
"It is by grace you have been saved, THROUGH FAITH - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works so that no one can boast." Eph. 2:8-9
Nope, it was by God's GRACE (which I had nothing to do with) that I'm saved, and it's by His grace that he sanctifies me, from when I first believed. All of the pressure I was putting on myself to be free, all of the fasting I felt like I had to do, all of the time worshipping and reading I felt I had to do, all of the time attending church I felt like I had to do were just un-warranted weight that I didn't know how to get free from.
When that word came forth, on the inside it was like I was having a hard time processing that. It felt like the rug got pulled out from under me, and everything I've known in my HEAD about "you're not a human doing, you're a human being" FINALLY hit the heart. And then the peace came. The truth finally struck, and I was able to just fall into God's arms and rest. I kept thinking that my deliverance from this would be different from how it happened - it's so funny how we can never know what the Lord willl do. But once it happened this way, I'm not surprised! His TRUTH and the TRUTH of who He is sets us free!
"You shall know the truth and the truth will MAKE YOU free." John 8:32
We don't always see the immediate freedom or the immediacy of the truth being applied, which is why we must continue in our faith and belief in the Lord that he will apply that truth to our life. We must claim in faith, daily, that his truth IS making us free no matter what we see. I stand in faith that as I read, his word is working in me.
"For the word of God is LIVING and ACTIVE. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it PENETRATES, even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
The day immediately following this was intense, as I expected. I knew the enemy was trying to steal the deposit the Lord had placed in my heart. I actually got so angry at him that I was yelling at him in my car, rebuking him for trying to steal what the Lord had given me. I'm learning how to stand my ground and guard my heart in a new way. I have to guard God's sacred truths and continue to stand on them, by his GRACE, daily.
Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is so good to me.  Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!
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| I find myself saying that "yeah, I was thinking about that or working on that and then I got distracted" ALL THE TIME to my co-workers and boss. My job (which is awesome) just has me working on multiple tasks/projects with multiple people constantly. I'm pretty good at focusing and multi-tasking, but some days I have issues lol. I will start working on something, then before I know it, I'll remember something I need to do and I'll have 5 open tasks that I'll be trying to do all at once.
Problem Diagnosis: distraction. If I would simply stay focused on the task I started on, complete it, then move on, I'd probably get a lot more accomplished and would be less frizzled by the end of the day.
But this carries over into every other area in my life. The Lord has really been dealing with me lately on not letting the world distract me from Him. The closer I become to Him, the more I realize that EVERYTHING around us can be a distraction - EVERYTHING. We're in the world and we're fallen and like ignorant little fish we're amazed by the pretty sparkly hook looming up above us just waiting for us to bite.
Except I can no longer claim ignorance. I can't giggle and act stupid to get my way out of it. I know better. I know that the things of the world are trash, or junk, compared to Christ, as Paul so eloquently put it. So why do I bite the bait? Why do I stubbornly continue to drink from filthy puddles, as stubborn sheep often do, while my Shepard is trying to lead me to the still, pure, deep, cool waters?
I've come to realize that distractions always come at the times the Lord wants me to spend with Him and in His word. No plans for lunch? "Come get away with me in the word for a while," the Lord says. Have a few hours in the afternoon? "Come rest in my presence." But the enemy is right there to entice me with TV, internet, exercise, cooking, shopping, sleeping, and on and on and on. He will throw every distraction at me that he can to keep my lips silent from praise and my mind starved of the word.
Lord, please forgive me. I need your strength to overcome. Let my lips be full of praise and my heart kept pure.
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| I've been home now for almost 9 months. It's so funny how your life can drastically change, but you adjust, then it changes again, and you have to readjust. Those first 5 months were really a rough time for me.
I don't know what started these reflections, it just seems like I've been reminded of my time there quite frequently over the past week.
Honestly, sometimes I really regret my trip. I know this is completely selfish, but so much was stolen from me by the enemy during my time there. SO MUCH. Some of it I let him do willingly, not grasping the weight of my decisions to not resist him. But, somedays I feel regret and honestly feel very sad because I'm just not myself any more. I'm not the peaceful, weightless, joyful person I used to be. And that makes me want to weep. It makes me want to scream in anger, and it makes me upset with myself ALL THE TIME. (I have to constantly forgive myself, but I fail to cope with the reality of my life many days now).
Just today I was reading a card from one of my good friends that he got for me when I arrived. It mentioned missing my "Jenniferisms" and stupid things I did that made him laugh. And it just struck me that I don't do stupid things anymore. I don't find the humor in things I once used to. I don't even remember what things I did that made him laugh! He's not in my life anymore, which is also hard, because he was the one person that brought out the inner me and it's almost as if I'm trying to find those lost pieces of myself since he can't help me remember. They somehow got tucked under my bed, and I've got half of my body under there with a flash light, legs flailing about, eyes filled with dust, searching among the junk for those prized pieces. It's an incredibly strange thing to feel lost like this, alone, confused, standing in the middle of the road in the headlights.
All I can think is, "How did this happen?" "Let me go back two years and try to find that person."
But then the Lord reminded me, almost in a stern way, to not want to go back to Egypt. The Israelites thought the solution to their miserable roaming condition was to back into Egypt and their slavery. Why that seemed more appealing, I don't know. Maybe there was less fear and less uncertainty because they had less freedom. Maybe it's that they weren't having to live on that scary road called faith, trusting God to be their defender and warrior in this new concept in life called "freedom."
I wish I could remember where the scripture is, but when I read the Lord rebuking them for looking back, it was as if He was giving me new insight into all of this. Even though I don't feel like it, I AM better off than I was before my trip. Because of what happened overseas, when I got back, I was desperate to be delivered from many strongholds and healed of many wounds in my life. Before my trip, I was completely clueless as to why so many things were the way they were. I was ignorant of the workings of the spiritual realm. But I have been delivered and the Lord has prepared the way in my heart for Him to sit on the throne. He has brought me out of my previous condition and into the Promised Land.
Though I still feel in bondage (because of the enemy's lies and his attempts to bring me back there), true slavery is where I was a year ago. True freedom is where I am today. I have become so much closer to Him as a result of this tribulation, and he is truly working it out for a greater purpose. My heart has been pierced to serve Him. We always sing about "preparing the way for the Lord," but sometimes that preparation is very rough and painful.
But I'm fighting back now, and I know that's why I'm meeting resistance. I know that's why I feel joyless a lot of the time. But I have been asking the Lord to restore my soul and bring joy back into my life. And He has been so faithful to do this! It comes in little spurts, but the childlike, spirited, goofy, silly, giggly girl I used to be is resurfacing. He's also showing me that maybe who I used to be wasn't even true joy and it wasn't even who I really am! I can't find joy in the world but maybe that's a good thing! I need to find joy in Him.
Please pray for me.
Praise God!
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22-25All around us we observe a pregnant
creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth
pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is
arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and
barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting
does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We
are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But
the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the
waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how
or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making
prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better
than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present
before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love
for God is worked into something good.
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Romans 8: 22-28 The Message
I read this earlier in the week and was so moved by it. This passage of scripture has always confused
me in other translations because the way Paul goes back and forth with some of
the wording, and it’s hard to be sure what “creation” he’s talking about. Which is why I love The Message because
sometimes it helps me to understand confusing passages.
But I was really moved by the way he compared our hope as
Christians to a pregnant mother. This is
exactly what has been happening in my Christian walk lately. Never before have I been so close to the Lord
that I want to be with him and want to see him so badly. I’ve been reading more about the end times
also, and put that with my deepening love for Christ, and you have a person who
is eagerly expecting Christ’s return and waiting in hope and great
anticipation.
I, truly, am becoming “enlarged in the waiting.” I don’t know how else to explain it other
than that. The more God moves, heals,
sanctifies, and touches me, the more my passion for him grows. The stronger my desire to be with him
becomes. And this desire has been
growing, enlarging in my Spirit. My
Spirit is truly becoming “pregnant” if you will, waiting in anticipation of
“full deliverance.” It’s so awesome!
It’s funny how it says that we can’t see the thing that is
causing us to become enlarged. All I
know is that I greatly identify with this scripture, that my Spirit is growing,
and I become even more joyful as the days go by in anticipation of Christ’s
return. As an expectant mother grows
joyful as she gets closer to her due date, I, too, am becoming more
joyful. The Lord is drawing on my heart
– He is the one causing me to become enlarged.
I cannot wait until the day when He is revealed and I am delivered from
this earthly body. Oh my goodness it is
going to be one AMAZING sight!!!!
Some days I definitely get tired of waiting and hoping, and there
is a desire there to give up. But God’s
Spirit always meets me, encourages me, and speaks to Christ for me through my
Spirit when I have no words to describe the feelings in my Spirit and soul. All I can do in those times is groan
inwardly in anguish over being separated from Him.
But, I am not diminished as I wait. On the contrary, the Spirit “keeps us
present” before God. It’s almost like
the Spirit helps get us back on track and refocuses us to continue in a
steadfast hope when we are discouraged and have moments of weakness. God is
aware of our “pregnant condition.” He knows
we desire to be transformed out of these bodies of death and into our bodies of
life and to be with Him forever.
Sometimes when you want something so bad, but can’t get it,
it almost makes you want to just throw up your hands and give up because it’s
too painful, time consuming, irritating, etc. to continue on. I do this a lot, and it’s one of my
faults. My first response is typically
to want to give up and run away if a situation starts becoming too much for me
to deal with.
And God knows that we can get the same way with Him
sometimes. If we can’t get the quick fix
we want or we get tired of crying out all the time with no answer, our heart
can easily become cold and hard toward Him.
It’s such a paradox! To have such
great desire for Him, but to lack the fulfillment of being in His
presence. To get frustrated and tired of
the aching heart and do the complete opposite of running to Him -- I’ll run
away. How said is the human condition!
That’s why I’m so thankful to have his Spirit that won’t let
me run away! It won’t give up on my
heart! The Spirit won’t let me be
“diminished” as I wait, but He will turn that discouragement into hope,
steadfastness, and joy. Amazing, truly
amazing.
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